I just yelled at a bad dad

April 25, 2015

I was out by my car at the Quickie Pickie parking lot.  I heard him yell and I looked over to my left.  A young boy about 3 years old was by the railing and the dad ran over to him and grabbed his arm and yelled at him. Then he picked up the kid and took him to the truck which happened to be next to my car where I was standing. He was yelling things at the son, “Never do that you hear me!”  Obviously the guy was concerned about his son’s safety, but he was taking it too far.

The guy set him down at the truck where the kid begins to cry. Dad gets the door open and hurls the kid into his car seat and then continues berating him. His face is right in the kid’s face yelling at him, continuing to scare the crap out of the kid.

I was probably about 4 feet away leaning on my car and I just started talking.  “You’re not doing him any favors you know”.  He turned around and looked at me and said “What?” I said “You’re not doing him any favors”.  He pointed a finger at me and said “You’re gonna have a problem” And I said “No, you’re gonna have a problem when your son grows up and hates you”.

By this time the kid was craning his neck to see who was talking to his dad like this.  The dad finished buckling his kid in and turned around again and looked at me and said something.  I said something like “You wanna point it at me now?” I was hot at this point but still in control.   He said something about having 6 bullets for me.  Basically threatening to murder me.   I said “You want to threaten me with violence now? And you’re a man?” He said “Yeah I am.” I said “You’re a chimp.  A chimp.”  He got in his car.

I saw his wife walking out with their daughter as I walked back inside. I thought about telling her she’s married to a chimp but let it be at that point.

Now that I’ve calmed down I wish I’d said something like “It’s obvious you care about your son but when you scare the crap out of him like that you’re just training him to be violent and angry some day”

Anyway, if I get shot to death it was probably that guy.


King’s Quest

August 31, 2014

“The inner King is the one in us who knows what we want to do for the rest of our lives, or the rest of the month, or the rest of the day. He can make clear what we want without being contaminated in his choice by the opinions of others around us. The inner King is connected with our fire of purpose and passion”

– Robert Bly, Iron John: A Book About Men



Note: I wrote most of this post and realized that it was a lot like describing a video game character. I have an inventory, some attributes, and a whole lot of options. Feel free to think of it this way and ask questions about my “stats” and suggest actions, like Kings Quest (e.g. “Apply for job as barback” or “Go to gym” and I will play it out and tell the results insofar as it is amusing to me)


After tonight I will be homeless…
…living in my car in Austin TX. I’m now almost out of money and have almost no possessions except clothes and music equipment. Up ’til a few years ago I worked as a software developer and made good money but got really depressed and stopped trying, eventually getting fired and not looking again. I spent my 401K to travel, trashed my credit rating and have been telling people I have a startup in the works to raise money for musicians, which is just an idea and a lot of code on my computer, a few graphics and copy pages I’ve written. I have been pitching it to people and almost always get a positive response now so that’s valuable.
I have been moving toward this experience for a long time.
My depression at work had to do with not thinking anything mattered. I went to a job that bored me, got tons of money. I was irresponsible and there seemed to be no consequences to my actions. A lot of PMO and women, working out, drinking/drugs, wasting money.
I have a CS degree, know how to get a job that pays (My last one was around 90k/yr) and I know my shit when it comes to programming. I don’t want to work as a programmer for a company. It feels like being a musician who only gets to play covers. But I could see working for the right startup, but I don’t really want to work as a grinding coder. I like talking to people and interacting. I am considering working in a music venue as a barback or somethingto be closer to the music scene.
During the past couple years I’ve learned to rap. I never learned an instrument except some piano lately and rap lights something up in me that I never had before. I’m writing my own stuff now and when I do karaoke I can get the whole crowd cheering. I am pretty good when I’m in the zone.
Starting resources:
* $197 dollars * $409 dollars credit card – $163 payment due Sep 21st
Possessions: * Korg SP 170 Piano w/missing power cable * a speaker box w/mixer and microphone * 44″ x 11″ x 2″ block of solid mahogany wood * decent wardrobe * macbook computer * boost android phone * some weed * tarot cards * key to girlfriend’s apartment * printer * Boss RC 300 Loop Station * coffee table * Book: Iron John, A Book about Men, by Robert Bly * active gym membership * falling apart 93 volvo 240
Attributes: * Age: 35 * Good looks (7) – I get positive attention just for how I look * Strong body (7) – I dominate on the basketball court * Whiteness – sadly an advantage * Maleness – awesome powers (PMO:007) * Tallness (5/11″) * rap skills (6) * programming skills (10) * speech skills (7) (I can captivate with stories, and I have done street hypnosis to good effect) * sex skills (11) (Made different girls cum just by talking several times) * juggling skills(2) * bow and arrow skills (I wish)
So yeah. I have a bed to sleep in tonight and then I’m on my own. I have a pretty amazing girl that would let me stay with her as much as I want but I’ve done that in the past and end up feeling like a weasel. I am storing some things at her house but I do not want to lean on that resource too hard.
So what do y’all think? I am thinking I will journal what I do with my time here daily for accountability. I can detail my inventory more if you want, I am sure I have more skills if I think about it and could be more objective about them. This could be interesting if I formalized this “character sheet” more. I have played a lot of D&D and could do a good job.
I’d like to become a well-known rapper in Austin. Right now I’m looking for ways to make money, besides doing a traditional job search.


October 2, 2012

It always seems like the verge of the next big breakthrough. An end to the plateau. A single step to a soaring exhilaration. One golden realization that will take everything learned and slide it into position.  Every habit, every bit of knowledge, every experience, every emotional tendency, every craving, longing, desire, every dream and aspiration, every weakness, every depression, every indulgence, every ecstatic joy becomes a moving part in a glowing golden machine that finally perceives it all the way it should be perceived. Beyond should.  To pure is.  A placid observance and resonant connection that extends the self beyond the line where the skin ends and the world begins.  A resonant field that swells and hums when it intersects with a youthful spirit or keen mind. Enveloping all it encompasses, growing with every experience.  Embracing the present so fully that each moment is split and split and split and split until only a tiny cool drop of it rests on a warm fingertip. Look closely enough and see the golden glow deep inside as it refracts and echos and amplifies into something that feels like being improbably alive.  An expanding, swirling, pulsing wave that sweeps us helplessly and joyously along.



May 1, 2012


One more day of indulgence

May 1, 2012

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.



Reality Sort Iteration 4

February 9, 2012





November 5, 2011

Bitcoin is a digital currency. People will give you actual money for it and you can buy stuff with it. I’ll explain more later.

I want to see how this embedded bitcoin miner works. In theory it is using your CPU right now to generate bitcoin for me (and you, if you go make an account). It’s not much. I mined for hours and made .0002015 BTC, which is worth less than a penny.

Anyway, I think my next post will be explaining how bitcoin works. For now, thanks for helping me make some money.

Edit: Oh yeah, WordPress likes to fuck this kind of thing up. Anyhow, here’s a link to the site where you can mine with your browser. All proceeds go directly to me. I’ll buy you a droplet of beer sometime.